Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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