can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
