there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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