M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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