he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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