Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
