I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
