census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
