remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
