Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
