i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
