He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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