This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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