I heard we made out
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
