hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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