Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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