RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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