WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
