My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have surprise drugs for everyone
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
