I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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