my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
