Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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