Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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