It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
