I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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