I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
