The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
