both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
