I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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