remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
