I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
