so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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