I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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