My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
