Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
