shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
