U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
