tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
