Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
