Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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