dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
