Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
