I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
