Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
