Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
