Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
