This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
