last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
