farters have to be the big spoon...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
