Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
