Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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