I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Drake has all the answers
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
