My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
