We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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